An article by JB - The Cosmic Jester 09.14.2024
The New Zodiac Signs: Ophiuchus and Cetus - Because 12 Ways to Delude Yourself Weren't Enough
Just when you thought astrology couldn't get any more arbitrary, along come Ophiuchus and Cetus to throw the entire zodiac into delightful disarray. Let's dive into this cosmic comedy of errors, shall we?
⛎︎ Ophiuchus: The Thirteenth Wheel
Ah, Ophiuchus, the forgotten middle child of the zodiac. Squeezed between Scorpio and Sagittarius like an awkward afterthought, this constellation brings the gift of healing... and the gift of utterly confusing everyone who thought they knew their star sign.
According to Greek mythology, Ophiuchus is related to Apollo's son, Asclepius, a physician with healing gifts. Because clearly, what the zodiac needed was a doctor to cure it of its chronic case of making sense.
Cetus: The Whale of a Tale
And just when you thought Ophiuchus was the punchline, enter Cetus, stage left. This celestial whale swims into our zodiac for a grand total of... two days. Because nothing says "significant astrological influence" quite like 48 hours of cosmic relevance.
The New Zodiac Dates: A Cosmic Reshuffling
Brace yourselves, stargazers. The inclusion of these celestial interlopers has thrown the entire zodiac into chaos. Here's the new lineup, guaranteed to make you question everything you thought you knew about yourself:
| Sign | Dates |
|---|---|
| Aries | April 18 - May 13 |
| Taurus | May 14 - June 19 |
| Gemini | June 20 - July 20 |
| Cancer | July 21 - August 9 |
| Leo | August 10 - September 15 |
| Virgo | September 16 - October 30 |
| Libra | October 31 - November 22 |
| Scorpio | November 23 - November 29 |
| Ophiuchus | November 30 - December 17 |
| Sagittarius | December 18 - January 18 |
| Capricorn | January 19 - February 15 |
| Aquarius | February 16 - March 11 |
| Pisces | March 12 - April 18 |
| Cetus | March 28 - March 29 |
Congratulations! You may now be a completely different person. Feel free to blame all your past mistakes on your old sign and start fresh with your new cosmic identity. After all, nothing says personal growth quite like an arbitrary rearrangement of star patterns.
So there you have it, dear cosmic wanderers. Ophiuchus brings healing and confusion in equal measure, while Cetus makes a splash for a whole two days. Remember, in the vast emptiness of space, these new additions to our astrological circus are just as meaningless as the original 12. Sleep tight, and may your existential crisis be as brief as Cetus's reign in the zodiac.