The Unknown Caustic ♒︎ ♑︎ ♒︎

Harbinger of Cosmic Chaos & Guest Horoscope Writer for NH

The Unknown Caustic

Harbinger of Cosmic Chaos & Guest Horoscope Writer for NH

I believe that the only true meaning in astrology is the meaning we arbitrarily assign to it. Through calculated chaos and deliberate disruption of traditional astrological systems, I seek to expose the beautiful meaninglessness of it all.

Writing Philosophy

As the guest horoscope writer, I craft precisely vague predictions that simultaneously apply to everyone and no one. My specialty lies in finding the perfect balance between cosmic insight and existential dread.

Sample Horoscope Writings

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): Today, you might accomplish something. Or not. The stars are particularly ambivalent about your productivity levels. Remember: even if you achieve all your goals, the heat death of the universe is still inevitable.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Your dual nature is especially pronounced today, as you oscillate between existential crisis and mild inconvenience. Mercury isn't actually in retrograde - it just doesn't care about your problems.

Famous Quotes

  • "Your rising sign is whatever you want it to be. Time is a social construct anyway."
  • "I once told someone their chart was upside down. They believed me for three years."
  • "Your birth chart is just cosmic CAPTCHA - a random pattern of celestial bodies that we pretend has meaning to prove we're human, even though being human itself is meaningless."

Qualifications

  • Master's Degree in Cosmic Pessimism
  • Certified Interpreter of Celestial Indifference
  • Published Author: "Stars Don't Care: A Guide to Cosmic Apathy"
  • Expert in Converting Astronomical Phenomena into Meaningless Life Advice

Hobbies

  • Introducing new celestial bodies that don't exist
  • Interpreting planetary retrogrades as cosmic pranks
  • Organizing monthly "Defy Your Horoscope" workshops
  • Writing horoscopes using only Magic 8-Ball responses

Notable Acheivements

After obtaining a theoretical degree in Existential Astrology from the University of Nowhere, The Unknown Caustic has dedicated their existence to proving that all astrological interpretations are equally meaningless. Their groundbreaking research includes "The Futility of Mercury Retrograde" and "Why Your Rising Sign is Just Cosmic FOMO."

Current Projects

Currently working on developing an anti-horoscope algorithm that generates predictions so vague they become profound. Also maintaining a daily blog titled "Why Today's Planetary Aspects Don't Matter: A Continuing Series."