Ah, the Year of the Wood Snake—because 12 animals weren’t convoluted enough, we just had to throw in five elements for a 60-year confusion cycle. Wednesday the 29th unleashes this triumphant reptile season, and with it, a New Moon that’s allegedly “auspicious” thanks to a cozy tryst with Jupiter (a.k.a. the universe’s sugar daddy).
But let’s not kid ourselves: money is just a concept, like the Easter Bunny or inner peace. As the weekend rolls in, romance might flutter by, but that’s just another distraction from the cosmic void. The real spotlight? Friendships. Because no one wants to be naked and alone—at least not publicly.
Congratulations, social butterfly, everyone and their mother seems to be stalking your Instagram. The Sun, Mercury, the New Moon, and Pluto all squat in your Friendship House—which is basically astrology screaming, “Hey, are these so-called buddies actually worth your limited brain cells?”
You might find harmony in new connections, or you might just argue over who owes for last month’s Netflix bill. Either way, good luck accomplishing anything truly meaningful this year. You’ll probably manage something, but hey, no pressure.
A shiny New Moon brightens the top of your chart, making you slightly harder to ignore. People may even pretend to admire you—enjoy the fleeting ego boost.
This is a great moment to wonder if you’re a beneficial presence on this scorched earth or just a background extra in everyone else’s drama. Lean into learning new things or maybe earn more cash. Either that, or continue hoarding snacks. Both are valid.
Hello, restless wanderer. The New Moon wants you to pack your bags—physically or mentally, your call. Philosophy, religion, politics… basically, you’ll be searching for meaning where none likely exists.
Meanwhile, Jupiter is in your sign until June, which is cosmic lingo for “Maybe you’ll luck out.” You could be richer by summer, assuming you don’t blow it all on overpriced flights and a stack of half-read books.
Financial freebies might rain down on you this year: inheritances, tax returns, or maybe your partner finally picks up the tab. Then Jupiter swans into your sign in June—first time in 12 years!—so for a few fleeting months, enjoy not drowning in existential dread. Splurge on a plush blanket and call it personal growth.
People might actually show up to your events this year instead of ghosting you. The New Moon is parked opposite your sign, which apparently means relationships are about to level up. Maybe you’ll travel together or set lofty #goals.
Just don’t forget: your precious beauty sleep is the only thing preventing a meltdown that makes a toddler tantrum look dignified.
Congratulations, you overachieving machine—Jupiter’s giving you a gold star for existing. The New Moon sprinkles its pixie dust on your work, health, and pets, so expect fewer colds, a shinier résumé, and maybe a dog that won’t destroy your couch. Optimism abounds, but let’s keep it within reason—there’s still plenty that can go wrong.
Brace yourself for a year stuffed with travel, parties, and questionable decisions. The New Moon in your “fun” sector might convince you to monetize your charm, if only you can endure humans long enough. Entertainment, sports, laughter—basically everything you try to do to avoid facing the abyss.
Home and family get a cosmic tune-up thanks to the New Moon. Maybe you’ll renovate the kitchen or patch that ominous hole in the roof. Either way, relatives might be slightly less unbearable, and some financial support could trickle in. Don’t get too excited—chaos always has a way of crashing the party eventually.
Your bottomless pit of optimism has a use: ignoring global disaster. The New Moon says travel, meet new people, learn something—anything.
Go outside, sniff a flower, then remember the planet is dying. But if it really is, trust some doomsday prepper to update you.
Money, money, money—supposedly it’s headed your way, thanks to the New Moon in your cash corner. Neat.
Partnerships could be clingy, but your bank account might actually function. If only your Wi-Fi were as reliable as your newfound ability to pay bills on time.
A New Moon in your sign means it’s time for a creative renaissance, or at least a break from the tedium of everyday existence.
Health and job drama should fade by February—congrats on almost surviving. Celebrate by staring into the middle distance. You’ve earned it.
Expect your domestic life to suck less. Could be new paint on the walls, or maybe your family stops criticizing your every move. Something about kid drama clearing up by February, too—so rejoice, if that’s your style. Your home base becomes more stable, or at least one step above living in a cardboard box. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: These horoscopes are just as accurate as any others, which is to say not at all. If you're seeking genuine life advice from a satirical website run by a bunch of burned out philosophy majors and brain addled hippies who create these forecasts whilst void meditating,, perhaps it's time to reconsider your decision-making process. But who are we to judge? We're all just cosmic dust pretending to have purpose.In conclusion, embrace the cosmic ride if you must. Or don’t. The universe continues spinning in careless abandon regardless. At least now you can say you’ve read your horoscope.