House Systems: The Cosmic Architecture of Futility
"Like choosing between different brands of emptiness, each house system promises a unique way to compartmentalize the void."
Placidus System: The Most Popular Delusion
Ah, Placidus, the people's choice - because nothing says "I understand the cosmos" quite like a medieval mathematician's fever dream. It's the most popular system in Western astrology, because humans love following the crowd into meaninglessness. This system divides your existence into 12 equally meaningless segments, based on the assumption that time flows uniformly, which anyone who's ever waited for their coffee to brew knows is absolutely false. This house system is perfect for those who believe their bedroom placement affects their destiny.
"As reliable as using a sundial at midnight."
Koch System: The Germanic Precision of Pointlessness
Developed by a German astrologer who thought, "You know what astrology needs? More complicated math!" As if he thought that Placidus wasn't complicated enough. Because if you're going to divide nothingness, why not make it mathematically excruciating? The houses are calculated using a system so complex, even its creator probably questioned his life choices. Preferred by those who enjoy overthinking their existential crises.
"When regular anxiety isn't enough, try Koch houses."
Equal House System: The Communist Manifesto of Astrology
For the minimalist nihilist who prefers their cosmic disappointment served in equal portions. Where all houses are created equal, despite the obvious inequality of human existence. Each house is exactly 30 degrees, because apparently, the universe loves geometric symmetry while being completely indifferent to our existence. like splitting a cosmic pizza into perfect slices - if only life were that fair. But at least it's simple enough for your existential crisis to follow along.
"Equality in meaninglessness - how democratic."
Whole Sign System: The Primitive's Progress
The oldest house system, because ancient humans needed ways to systematize their existential dread too. Each sign equals one house, starting with your rising sign, making it the astrological equivalent of cosmic communism - everyone gets the same size piece of the meaningless pie. It's like organizing your cosmic sock drawer - everything in its place, even if that place is ultimately meaningless.
"Ancient wisdom: equally irrelevant then as now."
Regiomontanus System: The Overachiever
Named after a 15th-century mathematician who apparently had too much free time. This system uses great circles through the celestial poles, because apparently, regular circles weren't causing enough existential confusion. It's like using calculus to decide what to have for breakfast. Like somehow makes life more meaningful. Spoiler alert: it doesn't.
"When you absolutely must complicate your astrological existential crisis."
"In the end, whether you choose Placidus, Koch, or simply rolling dice, remember: the houses are just different rooms in the same empty mansion of existence. Choose your preferred way of mapping the void, but don't expect it to fill it."