NIHILISTIC HOROSCOPES
Mercury Retrograde
Currently Direct.
Next Retrograde: MAR 15, 2025 in ♈︎
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What to Expect When Mercury is Retrograde:
- Your already meaningless text messages will fail to send
- Important emails will vanish into the void
- Your devices will betray you more than usual
- Miscommunications will reach new heights of absurdity
- Travel plans will dissolve into chaos
- Contracts will contain hidden clauses about your eternal soul
- Your printer will sense your desperation and refuse to function
Nihilistic Coping Strategies
- Accept that all communication is fundamentally meaningless
- Embrace the inevitable technological failures as metaphors for existence
- Find peace in knowing your plans would have been pointless anyway
- Back up your files, though they too shall eventually return to digital dust
- Avoid signing contracts (more than usual)
- Consider the futility of mercury retrograde as a cosmic joke
Historical Context
Mercury retrograde has been confounding human communication since ancient times, when our ancestors mistook this optical illusion for meaningful celestial movement. We now know better, yet continue to blame our communication failures on this astronomical phenomenon, as if we needed an excuse for our inherent inability to connect with one another.
"To mock philosophy is to truly philosophize" - Blaise Pascal (probably while having an existential crisis)
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