Saturn Return: Your Quarter-Life Crisis Scheduled by the Stars
Ah, Saturn Return – that magical moment when Saturn completes its 29.5-year orbit and returns to the exact position it held when you were born, bringing with it an overwhelming sense of inadequacy and the crushing weight of unmet expectations.
"Saturn doesn't actually care about your career crisis or whether you should break up with your partner. It's just a giant ball of gas doing its thing." - Ancient Astronomer, Probably
The Phases of Saturn Return
Phase 1: The Build-Up
Around age 27, you'll start feeling an inexplicable urge to question every life choice you've ever made. This is Saturn's way of saying "Hey, remember all those dreams you had? Yeah, about those..."
Phase 2: The Peak Crisis
At 29, Saturn aligns perfectly with its natal position, and so does your existential crisis. Suddenly, your job seems meaningless, your relationships feel superficial, and you seriously consider moving to a remote cabin to become a professional hermit.
Phase 3: The Aftermath
By 30, you'll either have made major life changes or resigned yourself to the cosmic joke that is existence. Either way, Saturn doesn't care – it's already moving on to torment the next batch of twenty-somethings.
How to "Survive" Your Saturn Return
- Embrace the void of uncertainty
- Question everything, especially your career choice
- Consider starting therapy (Saturn approves)
- Realize that no one actually has it figured out
- Accept that this too shall pass (only to return in another 29.5 years)