Retrograde: When Planets Mock Our Perception of Progress

The Illusion of Backwards Motion

Retrograde is when a planet appears to move backwards in the sky, much like how we think we're making progress in life, only to realize we're regressing. This optical illusion occurs when Earth passes or is passed by other planets in their orbits, creating a cosmic dance of futility.

Current Retrograde Schedule: Your Guide to Scheduled Chaos

Mercury Retrograde

Occurs 3-4 times per year, each lasting about 3 weeks Communication becomes even more meaningless than usual Technology reminds you of its inherent unreliability

Venus Retrograde

Every 18 months for about 40 days Relationships reveal their temporary nature Values and worth become more questionable than they already were

Mars Retrograde

Every 2 years for about 2.5 months Actions become exercises in futility Energy dissipates into the void

Outer Planets Retrograde

Jupiter through Pluto spend about 40% of their time retrograde Societal progress reveals itself as an illusion Long-term plans dissolve into cosmic irony

"When a planet goes retrograde, it's not actually moving backwards - it just appears that way from our limited perspective. Much like how we think we're making progress in life."

Surviving Retrogrades

1. Accept that progress is an illusion

2. Embrace the chaos of miscommunication

3. Remember that everything is temporary, including retrograde periods

4. Use this time to reflect on past mistakes (there are many)

2024 Retrograde Calendar

Mark these dates in your calendar to blame the planets for your misfortunes:

Mercury: Apr 01 - 25 ♈︎, Aug 15 - Sept 8 ♍︎ ♌︎ , Dec 13 - Jan 1 (2025)♐︎
Venus: No retrograde this year (but that doesn't mean you'll find love)
Mars: Dec 06 - Feb 23, 2025 ♌︎ ♋︎
Jupiter: Oct 09 – Feb 04, 2025 ♊︎
Saturn: June 29 - Nov 15 ♓︎
Uranus: Sept 01 – Jan 30, 2025 ♉︎
Neptune: July 02 – Dec 07 ♓︎
Pluto: May 02 - Oct 12 ♒︎ ♑︎

Phases of Retrograde

Pre-Shadow Period

The planet slows down, giving you false hope that things might improve

Stationary Retrograde

The planet appears to stop completely, much like your progress in life

Retrograde Period

The planet moves backwards, dragging your aspirations with it

Post-Shadow Period

Things return to normal, which is just as meaningless as before

Effects of Retrograde Periods

"During retrograde, the universe adds an extra layer of futility to your already pointless endeavors."

Mercury Retrograde: Communication becomes even more meaningless than usual
Venus Retrograde: Love becomes more complicated, as if it wasn't complicated enough
Mars Retrograde: Your drive and ambition reveal themselves as cosmic jokes
Outer Planet Retrogrades: Society collectively questions everything, finds no answers