SATURN RETURN
When the cosmic taskmaster returns to remind you of your mortality
First Saturn Return (Ages 27-30)
As Saturn completes its first orbit since your birth, it arrives bearing gifts of existential crisis and the crushing weight of adult responsibilities. Welcome to your cosmic quarter-life crisis.
"The universe has scheduled your first major breakdown. Resistance is futile."
Second Saturn Return (Ages 57-60)
Just when you thought you had it figured out, Saturn returns to remind you that you still know nothing. Time for a mid-life contemplation of all your questionable life choices.
"Half your life gone, and what have you accomplished? Saturn doesn't care, but it wants you to think about it anyway."
Third Saturn Return (Ages 87-90)
If you're lucky enough to experience this one, Saturn returns one final time to remind you that even your longest-held beliefs and achievements are ultimately meaningless in the grand cosmic scheme.
"Congratulations on surviving this long. Saturn is mildly impressed but still indifferent."
"Saturn's return is like a cosmic alarm clock you never set, reminding you of appointments with reality you'd rather not keep."