Official Disclaimer
WARNING: Welcome to the void of Nihilistichoroscopes. Before you delve into the abyss of our cosmic predictions, please read this disclaimer carefully. It's as important as it is meaningless.
This website offers nihilistic interpretations of astrological concepts. nihilistic horoscopes.com is not recommended for: Optimists, children, or anyone who still believes in the tooth fairy.
# Are You Seriously Reading This?!
If you've navigated to this page, congratulations! You've officially wasted precious moments of your finite existence reading legal jargon that's about as meaningful as your horoscope. But since you're here, let's get on with it.
1. General Disclaimer
Nihilistic Horoscopes is a satirical interpretation of astrological concepts viewed through the lens of existential nihilism. Any resemblance to actual meaning or purpose is purely coincidental and ultimately meaningless.
2. Not Professional Advice
The content provided on this website should not be mistaken for:
- Professional astrological guidance (as if that matters)
- Psychological advice (your problems are insignificant in the grand scheme)
- Life coaching (where are we even going?)
- Financial advice (money is a societal construct anyway)
3. Age Restrictions
If any minor stumbles upon this site, they should immediately disconnect all devices and seek out their mother, father, caregiver, or whoever is unfortunate enough to be responsible for them and implore them to find something useful for them to do until after the age of 21 or, preferably around the age of 25 when their pre-frontal cortex has finished its development; although time is just a construct, lawyers wouldn't see it that way. Our meaningless, insignificant lives are already too short—why rush to waste what little of their innocence remains by reading about the heat death of the universe and suffering sleepless nights envisioning their own entropy? Not to worry there is plenty of time for despair when they reach their early-mid 20s.
4. Accuracy and Reliability
Our horoscopes are as accurate as a blind archer shooting in a hurricane. If by some cosmic fluke they turn out to be right, it's purely coincidental and should not be taken as a sign of anything other than the universe's twisted sense of humor. It's important to note:
- The stars are burning balls of gas indifferent to your existence
- Planetary positions are as meaningful as the void between them
- Your birth chart is merely a snapshot of cosmic chaos
- All predictions are equally valid in a meaningless universe
5. Assumption of Risk
By using this website, you acknowledge that:
- You are responsible for your own existential crisis
- Any decisions made based on our readings are your own futile choices
- We are not responsible for any nihilistic revelations you may experience
- Your search for meaning here is inherently paradoxical as your life choices have led you to seek wisdom from a satirical horoscope website
6. Medical Disclaimer
If you're experiencing genuine psychological distress, please consult a mental health professional. They won't solve the fundamental meaninglessness of existence, but they might help you cope with it.
6. No Refunds
Even though there is no charge for your daily dose of despair, or any other content on this site, there are still no refunds.
7. Complaints Department
Direct all grievances to /dev/null, where they'll receive the attention they deserve. If you're offended by our content, feel free to return tomorrow and be offended all over again. It's one of the few joys left in this bleak existence.
8. Legal Mumbo-Jumbo
By using this site, you agree to:
- Not hold us responsible for any cosmic karma, astrological mishaps, and/or poor life choices you've made based on something your read about on this site, nor for sudden realizations about the meaninglessness of existence
- Embrace The Void
- Find humor in the cosmic joke that is life
- Acknowledge that this acceptance, like all choices in life, is ultimately futile
9. We aren't responsible for your existential crisis
If our nihilistic horoscopes trigger an existential crisis, that's on you. We're just holding up a mirror to the vast, uncaring universe. If you don't like what you see, maybe try looking at cat videos, or perhaps some pRon instead.
Again, we reiterate: in the unlikely event that one of our predictions comes true, please remember that even a broken clock is right twice a day, much like how even in a meaningless universe, coincidences can occur.
If you find any joy or comfort in our horoscopes, please consult a philosopher immediately. You may be misunderstanding the concept of nihilism.