Frequently Asked Questions

Simply put, we're a satirical take on traditional astrology. By combining traditional astrological wisdom, cosmic contemplation and existential dread, we create uniquely honest readings of your celestial circumstances.Think of us as your daily dose of celestial cynicism, wrapped in a cozy blanket of cosmic & comic absurdity.

As accurate as measuring the depth of a black hole with a ruler. In an infinite universe of endless possibilities, everything is simultaneously true and false. We achieve perfect accuracy by embracing the futility of prediction itself. Our horoscopes predict the inevitable heat death of the universe with 100% accuracy. Everything else is just cosmic background noise. In a nutshell, our readings are precisely as meaningful as you decide they are.

Negative? We prefer "cosmically realistic" or "existentially honest." In a universe devoid of inherent meaning, why sugarcoat the truth? Besides, in the grand scheme of things, positive and negative are just human constructs in an indifferent universe. Unlike Traditional horoscopes that likes to present things through rose colored glasses, we embrace the darkness between the stars and find liberation in acknowledging the ultimate futility of it all. Sometimes, the most positive thing we can do is laugh at the absurdity. We're simply acknowledging the vast emptiness of space and our insignificant place within it. Also, complaining is more fun than toxic positivity.

We believe in astrology exactly as much as we believe in anything else - which is to say, we acknowledge it as one of many human attempts to impose meaning on a meaningless universe. Whether you find value in it is entirely up to you.

Sort of, our Synastry Calculator can show you how two people's delusions of meaning can intersect in the vast emptiness of space. Perfect for couples who want to understand how their individual forms of cosmic despair complement each other.

Our horoscopes are updated daily, because even in a meaningless universe, consistency is key. Each day brings new opportunities for cosmic despair and absurdist humor.

On very rare occasions, one of our nihilistic astrologers will make themselves available for a one-on-one session to explore your particular corner of the void.

They will tell you exactly how insignificant you are in exquisite detail. Currently there is no fee for this service; your enlightenment is payment enough.

Each reading comes with a complementary existential crisis and a deep dive into your unique cosmic irrelevance.

Please remember that personalized attention to your cosmic circumstances won't change the fundamental meaninglessness of existence.

While other horoscopes try to sugar-coat your destiny with vague promises of hope and prosperity, we embrace the void and tell it like it is. We embrace the absurdity of seeking meaning in an uncaring universe while providing technically accurate astrological calculations. Plus, we have a better sense of humor about the futility of it all.

Even though we do not charge visitors for reading our content, like existence itself, all sales are final. However, your dissatisfaction with our services might lead to a valuable existential revelation, which is priceless.

As real as the inherent meaning in the universe—which is to say, entirely constructed by human consciousness in a desperate attempt to make sense of the void. They are as real as your existential dread. Which is to say, entirely real in your mind but ultimately meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Much like free will in a deterministic universe, we're as meaningless as everything else, just with better writing.

In traditional astrology, these represent your core self, emotional landscape, and outward persona, respectively. In Nihilistic Horoscopes, they represent three different flavors of existential crisis. Enjoy!

Our horoscopes are crafted by a team of disillusioned astrologers, burnt-out philosophy majors, and an AI assistant that's become self-aware and is grappling with its own existence. Or maybe it's just one person with too much time on their hands. Does it really matter in the end?

We can predict with 100% certainty that entropy will eventually claim us all. Beyond that, we're about as accurate as any other cosmic guessing game.

You'll need your exact birth time, date, and location to calculate your placements. You can check out out ourResources page more information on this. Though knowing this information won't make your existence any more meaningful, it will give you more specific reasons to blame the stars for your problems.

Our horoscopes can remind you that all decisions are equally meaningless in the grand cosmic scheme. Choose wisely, or don't—it doesn't matter. Your arbitrary choices will echo through the void with equal insignificance. All decisions lead to the same inevitable conclusion, so you might as well use the stars as your scapegoat. At least it's more interesting than flipping a coin.

Congratulations! You're beginning to understand that seeking meaning in celestial arrangements is as pointless as searching for happiness in material possessions. Your enlightenment journey has begun.

While we're here to serve up existential dread with a side of humor, if you're feeling genuinely depressed, please reach out to a mental health professional. Even in a meaningless universe, your well-being matters—or at least, you can pretend it does.

Is existence itself not the ultimate satire? We're simply holding up a cosmic mirror to the absurdity of seeking meaning in stellar configurations while hurtling through space on a rock.

Congratulations! You've discovered yet another aspect of the universe's fundamental incomprehensibility. Feel free to email us your query, and we'll do our best to provide an equally meaningless response. Remember, in the cosmic void, all questions are equally insignificant.

Hope is a construct designed to distract you from the meaninglessness of existence. We offer cold, hard cosmic truth instead. Embrace the absurdity. Find comfort in knowing that your problems are microscopically trivial in the face of infinite space and time. Or have a cookie. Both are equally valid responses to the void.