Nihilistic Horoscopes
Saturn Retrograde
♄ Currently Direct
Next Retrograde: July 13, 2025 in ♈︎
"When Saturn goes retrograde, your existential dread takes a vacation... to visit even deeper existential dread."
What it Means
Saturn, the planet of restrictions, limitations, and crushing reality, appears to move backwards, forcing you to revisit all the responsibilities you've been avoiding. It's like a cosmic audit of your life's disappointments.
Primary Effects
- Your already heavy burdens become somehow heavier
- Time seems to slow down, especially during meaningless tasks
- The walls of reality close in just a bit tighter
- Your existential crisis gets an existential crisis
Current Retrograde Timeline
Pre-Shadow: April 6, 2025, at 25° Pisces 09′
Begin feeling the weight of impending doom
Retrograde Begins: July 13, 2025 at 1° Aries 56′ Rx
Full descent into structured chaos begins
Retrograde Ends:November 27, 2025, at 25° Pisces 09’
Return to regular, non-retrograde existential dread
Post-Shadow: March 2, 2026, at 1° Aries 56′
Lingering effects of structured despair fade
Survival Strategies
- Accept that time is an illusion, but deadlines are unfortunately real
- Embrace the futility of fighting against Saturn's restrictions
- Consider that your responsibilities are just as meaningless as everything else
- Remember that this too shall pass (though everything else will too)
"Saturn retrograde is like having a performance review with the universe, except the universe already decided you failed."